HOT NIGHTS FOR THE WAR WIVES OF ITHICA
ACT 1
SCENE 4
(An orchard near the main house. Trees, or the suggestion of trees, and a stone bench. PAN lounges. Rather, the actor who plays ODYSSEUS lounges, because PAN has assumed his shape. This actor will take on PAN’s mannerisms to a larger and larger degree as the scene moves forward)
(Enter SERVANT 1)
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Good evening.
SERVANT 1
Yes. Good evening. I didn’t see you there.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Then it’s a good thing I saw you. There might have been a collision.
SERVANT 1
Do I know you, sir?
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
We have never spoken.
SERVANT 1
The others have gone to their houses. You should do the same.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
The others?
SERVANT 1
The other suitors to mistress Penelope.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
I am not one of these.
SERVANT 1
You don’t want to marry Penelope?
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
I don’t want to marry anybody.
SERVANT 1
It’s very late, sir. Whoever you are, you should go home.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
But I am home.
SERVANT 1
I haven not seen you. I know all the servants here.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Nonetheless, where I stand is where I make my home.
SERVANT 1
In the orchard?
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
For example.
SERVANT 1
You sleep in the orchard?
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
I do many things in the orchard.
SERVANT 1
You should go away. The mistress does not tolerate vagrants, particularly those who sleep in the orchard.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
And the master?
SERVANT 1
He is away.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
How long has he been away?
SERVANT 1
Long.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Long could mean anything.
SERVANT 1
The time it takes a baby to become a husband.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Since you were a baby.
SERVANT 1
A girl
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
And when do you expect the master to return?
SERVANT 1
Never. Or at any moment.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Those are very different answers. Which will it be?
SERVANT 1
It is not for me to say.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Say anyway.
SERVANT 1
He will return at any moment.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Why that and not the other?
SERVANT 1
This place aches for him. It holds its breath in. If he were dead in the sea, the place would know, and would breathe out.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
He is coming.
SERVANT 1
Yes.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
And you do not know his face.
SERVANT 1
Not from yours.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
It seems you could be nicer to strangers.
SERVANT 1
(beginning to get it) Not from yours…
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Suppose you were to be rude to your master unawares…
SERVANT 1
(getting it) Not from yours!
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Your punishment could be severe. You could be asked to perform some strenuous task. (becoming just a little goat-like) Something that would leave you sweating and spent.
(He composes himself and sits down on a bench)
SERVANT 1
Oh, master!
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
It is I.
SERVANT 1
I deserve to be beaten. You went to war for all those years…
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Why, yes I did.
SERVANT 1
…and now you come home with a heart full of sorrows, old and fat…
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
(sucking it in) Hey!
SERVANT 1
Wait a minute… How did you stay fat if you were in hardship?
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
I was a well-fed captive.
SERVANT 1
Don’t get me wrong, you’re still attractive in an older man way…
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Just shut up about it!
SERVANT 1
…but you come home, so glad just to be in your own country again, and on your own land, and here some silly maidservant comes saying get out of your own orchard. Will you ever forgive me?
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Why should I?
SERVANT 1
Because you are kind and strong, and strength has no need of cruelty. Also, because your chest is still broad, and that makes up for the womanly softness of your—
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Would you shut up!
SERVANT 1
But mostly you should forgive me because I am sorry.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
How sorry?
SERVANT 1
Very sorry.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Show me.
(SERVANT 1 assumes classical position of supplication; she kneels at his feet while he sits, her outside hand on his knees and her inside hand gently cupping his chin)
ODYSSEUS (PAN) (Cont’d)
Show me more.
(She stands up and then assumes the posture again, more dramatically. PAN considers this for a beat, then puts her hand on his crotch)
SERVANT 1
Master!
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Tell me your name.
SERVANT 1
Xanthe.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Xanthe, surely you are not innocent in the ways of men.
SERVANT 1
But…
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Surely you know that men have needs.
SERVANT 1
I know.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
I want you to help me meet those needs.
SERVANT 1
Is that not your wife’s duty?
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Some would say privilege.
SERVANT 1
Will she not be angry if I take her privilege from her?
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Are you calling her selfish?
SERVANT 1
No!
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Then be gracious enough to allow her to share her privilege with you.
SERVANT 1
Grace is a virtue. I always wished to be more gracious.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Besides, when a man has been away for a long time, he has more than just the ordinary needs. He has special needs.
SERVANT 1
I’m not sure I understand.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Well…in the act of love, a man gives a woman a gift.
SERVANT 1
Flowers?
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
No.
SERVANT 1
Honey-cakes?
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
No.
SERVANT 1
I like honey-cakes.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
So do I. But the gift I speak of is more personal.
(She doesn’t get it)
ODYSSEUS (PAN) (Cont’d)
More…secret
(She still doesn’t get it)
ODYSSEUS (PAN) (Cont’d)
You wouldn’t want to get this gift on a black dress.
(She gets it)
SERVANT 1
Ohhhh! Yes. And certain times of the month, you have to be careful where you put this gift…
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Now you’ve got it.
SERVANT 1
…Or you will grow fat and your father will call you a whore and throw you from the window, but you’ll live, only you’ll have a twisted leg, and a bastard to follow you around everywhere asking who his father is while you go from man to man until your looks go completely and there you are limping around in the rain with long tits and a mustache talking to yourself until the gods take pity on you and change you into a donkey.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
That was very specific.
SERVANT 1
My grandma. Anyway, I like that gift. But not as much as honeycakes.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Listen, Xanthe. This gift, it grows…larger when it is not given.
SERVANT 1
I have noticed this. For the first time it is a big gift. And the second time it is a small gift. And the third time it is no gift at all. But I speak of young men. Old men give one gift and sleep.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Old men give three gifts. I am older than you know, and I give three gifts. I am a man of many gifts. Never mind that. We are speaking of a man, and it could be any man.
SERVANT 1
Is it you?
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
It’s a man! A man-a-man-a-man-a-man-a-man! Just suppose a man had not given a gift for twenty years.
SERVANT 1
Oh, my.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Yes. You can imagine. It would be too much for one woman. To unleash such force on one woman only would kill her. Do you wish to kill your mistress?
SERVANT 1
No!
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Kiss me.
(They kiss. An owl hoots offstage)
SERVANT 1
Someone is coming!
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
It’s just a damned owl.
SERVANT 1
(looking up over audience) Oh yes. I see it.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Ignore it.
SERVANT 1
I can’t. It’s watching us.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
How can you tell where it’s looking with those big, goggly eyes? Ugly birds, anyway, what with their shitty feathers, always twisting their heads around…
SERVANT 1
It’s definitely watching us.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
…moving their throats like old men who can’t swallow their bread.
SERVANT 1
I think it wants something.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Yes, it wants a kick in the ass. It wants the magic apple. It wants a dying mouse to fart in its mouth. Fuck that bird. Pay attention to me.
(They resume making out. Owl hoots)
SERVANT 1
What are those bumps on your head?
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Nothing. Less talk, more tongue.
SERVANT 1
But you have got bumps. It’s like you’re trying to grow horns or something.
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Xanthippe, you distracted slut, would you please stop with the horns and the owls and try to remember what we’re doing here?
SERVANT 1
What are we doing here?
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
The gift, the gift!
SERVANT 1
It’s Xanthe, not Xanthippe.
(During the following speech, PAN goes to mount SERVANT 1, but she moves away on all fours; they are like two dogs trying unsuccessfully to hook up in the street. Near the beginning of this speech, an actor hidden in a black hood and body-suit will enter, holding a stick with a stuffed OWL on a line, making the OWL fly about)
ODYSSEUS (PAN)
Whatever. Now just get on all fours like the she-goat you are…and prepare to have an experience that will bounce your bouncy-flop, fatten your bleat-bladder, give you the big gurh-uhr-uhr, by the bleeding gums of my foul-breathed father, I will kick the pie cake out of you…you crab-walking…you juice-bucket…you corked-up ham-hole.
(Now the OWL attacks ODYSSEUS-PAN)
ODYSSEUS (PAN) (Cont’d)
Ow!
(PAN is struck numerous times by the OWL, all the while trying to get on with his business while flailing ineffectually at the bird. Finally, he backs off from the girl and looks down, addressing his crotch)
ODYSSEUS (PAN) (Cont’d)
Come back! You’ve worked under more pressure than this!
(At that, the bird strikes him a big one and the lights go out just long enough to let the actor who plays the actual PAN replace ODYSSEUS-PAN. He is exposed! The OWL flies around triumphantly)
SERVANT 1
You are not great Odysseus! You are Pan, the ridiculous goat-god of the mountains. You tricked me! I hope it falls off and you watch it get eaten by beetles.
PAN
That was good.
(Exit SERVANT 1. The OWL hoots and flies up. PAN watches it rise, and is shat on)