THE LAST NEANDERTHALS
SCENE 2
(The cave of BOCK, HARF and MILLA. These three are present at the opening of the scene. They are sitting around a fire, which may be represented by lighting)
BOCK
What did I tell you?
HARF
Never not never no strangers ever tell them where food is no no no.
BOCK
You’re missing two ‘no’s.
HARF
I thought I said all the ‘no’s.
BOCK
No. Listen. Never not never no strangers ever tell them where food is no no no NO NO. Never.
HARF
You added a ‘never.’
BOCK
Now there’s a new ‘never.’
MILLA
He didn’t tell them where the food is.
HARF
I didn’t.
MILLA
Did you, Harf?
HARF
I didn’t. I wouldn’t.
MILLA
I believe you didn’t, but that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t.
BOCK
Maybe he did.
MILLA
I’d know if he did.
HARF
I didn’t.
MILLA
I know.
BOCK
But he would.
HARF
I wouldn’t. Would I, Milla?
MILLA
I don’t know.
BOCK
He certainly would. Wouldn’t you?
HARF
I don’t know.
BOCK
I know.
HARF
But I don’t know.
BOCK
I know. You don’t know. Which is why you would.
HARF
If you say so.
BOCK
Don’t ‘if you say so’ me.
HARF
Sorry.
BOCK
Say it.
HARF
I said ‘sorry.’
BOCK
Not ‘sorry.’ Say what happens.
HARF
What happens?
BOCK
Don’t say ‘What happens?’ Say what happens.
HARF
What happens what?
BOCK
To your face.
HARF
My face?
BOCK
If you ‘if you say so’ me.
HARF
Something happens to my face?
BOCK
Something most definitely happens to your face.
HARF
You hit it?
BOCK
Boom-bam-a-lam.
MILLA
He doesn’t know, Bock.
BOCK
Boom-bam-a-lam. That’s what happens.
HARF
Isn’t that just you hitting it?
BOCK
No, it’s BOOM bam-a-lam.
HARF
I don’t know what that is.
BOCK
You wanna find out?
HARF
No.
BOCK
Alright, then. Say what happens.
HARF
What happens?
BOCK
To your face. If you ‘if you say so’ me.
HARF
Boom-bam-a-lam.
BOCK
That’s right.
HARF
(Beat) If you say so.
(HARF gets up and runs, anticipating BOCK’s enraged attempt to chase him. BOCK chases HARF off. BOCK enters and sits back down. HARF tentatively re-enters, and BOCK gets up to chase him again. This happens several times, with BOCK looking less committed each time. Finally he only feints at chasing and HARF only feints at running. HARF warily takes his seat again. Clearly this is a routine occurrence)
BOCK
(Pointing finger menacingly) Boom-bam-a-lam.
HARF
Anyway, I didn’t.
BOCK
Good thing for you.
MILLA
Good thing for all of us.
HARF
Why?
BOCK
Why, what?
HARF
Why is it that we don’t share with strangers?
BOCK
Don’t be stupid.
MILLA
He’s not stupid, Bock. He just wants to know why.
BOCK
He always says ‘why.’ Why, why, why. It’s stupid. He should forget about ‘why?’ and only say ‘how?’
HARF
Why?
BOCK
That’s what I’m talking about!
HARF
But really, why is ‘why’ bad?
BOCK
Goddamnit! It just is.
HARF
(beat) Why?
(BOCK makes angry noise and gets up. HARF runs O/S. When BOCK sits down again, HARF speaks from O/S)
HARF (O/S)
I want to know.
BOCK
Because it pisses off the rock god, that’s why! ‘Why?’ is a wind god question, weak-ass wind god, blowing leaves around, feedly-deedling around with your hair. ‘Why’ doesn’t go anywhere. If you ask why and I tell you, you just say ‘why’ again. But if I tell you how, you know. Like a rock. Bang. Boom. Smack. Rock god. Done. Not why, why, why, wshhhhhhhh, like the wind god. Faggot wind god has no power.
(BOCK farts. MILLA moves away from him. After a moment, HARF tentatively re-enters and sits)
HARF
Alright, then. How?
BOCK
Now you’re talking. That’s a good boy. ‘How’ what?
HARF
How would it be bad to share with the strangers?
BOCK
Wait a minute. No, no, no. That’s a ‘why’ disguised as a ‘how.’
MILLA
Harf! If you show the strangers where the food is, they’ll eat it all and we won’t have enough.
HARF
What if it’s only one stranger?
MILLA
It’s never only one.
HARF
But it might be.
MILLA
Not for long. Strangers are like seagulls; feed one and more come quickly. And there are only three of us.
BOCK
Shhhhh!
MILLA
Bock, anyone close enough to hear me already knows how many we are.
HARF
What if we fed a stranger and he joined our tribe?
MILLA
(Intrigued) Huh.
BOCK
Don’t be stupid.
MILLA
Stop calling him stupid, Bock. I don’t see what’s stupid about that.
HARF
Yeah, he could sleep over there. I could give him half of my woolly rhinoceros blanket.
BOCK
And what if he beats our heads in at night?
HARF
What if he doesn’t?
BOCK
What if he does?
HARF
Doesn’t!
BOCK
Does!
MILLA
Why would he?
BOCK
To take our food, dummy.
MILLA
What, the food we’re sharing anyway?
BOCK
Who knows?
MILLA
And ‘dummy’ yourself. I’m sick of you saying ‘dummy’ and ‘stupid’ to us.
BOCK
Anyway, you said ‘why.’ That’s a wind god question, and the wind god has no balls.
(BOCK farts)
MILLA
(Moving away from BOCK) We do need more people. We can’t hunt anything big like this.
BOCK
So, we’ll make babies.
MILLA
Babies don’t hunt.
BOCK
Later they do. They grow up and hunt.
MILLA
Too much later. We’ll be dead. Or you will. You’re old.
BOCK
What!? I’m strong.
MILLA
And old.
HARF
You’re pretty old!
BOCK
I’m thirty.
MILLA
Do you know anyone who’s forty?
BOCK
Nar-lock! Nar-lock’s forty.
MILLA
Nar-lock’s thirty-six.
BOCK
Well, he’s doing fine. He’ll make it to forty.
MILLA
No he won’t. He cries when he pees.
HARF
He peed a rock.
BOCK
Just a little rock.
HARF
But he peed it.
MILLA
And his beard’s all white.
BOCK
He still hunts.
MILLA
He barely walks.
HARF
He gave me the rock.
BOCK
He likes to fish.
HARF
The rock isn’t that little.
BOCK
He was always the best dancer.
HARF
It won’t fit in my pee-hole.
BOCK
Alright, forget about Nar-lock. But no strangers in the tribe. Harf, you saw only one?
HARF
Yes.
MILLA
He said that.
BOCK
Let me handle this.
MILLA
Whatever.
BOCK
How many did you see, Harf?
HARF
One.
BOCK
Okay, good. Just one. Did you see any hiding?
HARF
No.
BOCK
Are you sure? Because when they’re hiding, you might not know you see them.
HARF
I didn’t see any hiding.
BOCK
Okay. We know they’re good hiders.
HARF
But I don’t think…
BOCK
Tell me about the one you saw. Was he big?
HARF
No.
BOCK
Good. So he was a weakling.
HARF
No.
BOCK
Well, which was he? Strong or a weakling?
HARF
He was different.
BOCK
How?
HARF
He had a chin.
BOCK
A what?
HARF
It’s for keeping spit off your neck.
BOCK
That’s what beards are for. But that’s not what I want to know.
HARF
What, then?
BOCK
Do you think I could beat him up?
HARF
I don’t know.
BOCK
But you said he’s smaller.
HARF
Like a wolf is smaller than a bear.
BOCK
A bear can beat a wolf.
HARF
A bear can’t catch a wolf.
MILLA
Wolves don’t go alone. Bears do. Three wolves can beat a bear.
BOCK
Well, then. We’re three bears and he’s one wolf.
HARF
I don’t think he’s here to fight.
MILLA
You only saw one. But there could be more.
BOCK
Yeah. We know they’re good hiders. Okay. Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll ask Bloot.
MILLA
Bloot’s dead.
BOCK
He’s the smartest one.
HARF
Bloot’s dead in a hole.
BOCK
We gave him to the rock god. Maybe the rock god made him better.
HARF
How?
BOCK
I don’t know. Don’t ask me how.
HARF
I thought you liked it when I say how.
BOCK
You think too much. Anyway, Bloot would know what to do.
MILLA
If you hadn’t killed him.
BOCK
I didn’t kill Bloot!
MILLA
Not with a spear, maybe, but he’s dead because of you.
BOCK
Bloot fell out of a tree.
MILLA
That didn’t kill him. The saber-tooth killed him. Because you made him sleep outside the cave.
BOCK
He was making noise.
MILLA
He was moaning.
BOCK
He broke his legs. He was going to die.
MILLA
Broken legs heal sometimes.
BOCK
I couldn’t sleep. He just kept at it. "Unggh-unghh-ungh." And then he’d cough a lot. Then back to "Ungh-ungh-ungh." What was I supposed to do?
MILLA
Not feed him to a saber-tooth.
BOCK
I didn’t know it was there.
MILLA
They’re sneaky. That’s why we sleep in caves.
HARF
I miss Bloot.
MILLA
Me, too.
BOCK
Me, too. Let’s ask him what to do.
MILLA
I don’t want to dig him up.
HARF
Neither do I.
BOCK
You don’t have to. I got his head.
MILLA
Bock!
(BOCK takes Neanderthal skull out of skins pile)
MILLA (Cont’d)
That’s just awful!
HARF
You said it would make the rock god mad to go back in the dead-hole!
BOCK
(Using skull to talk) Bock was wrong!
MILLA
You are Bock!
BOCK
(Using skull) No. I am Bloot. Bloot the wise. Ask me a question.
HARF
If you’re so wise, why is Bock holding your dead head and talking in a funny voice?
(BOCK puts down skull and hits HARF hard, then picks up skull again)
BOCK
(Using skull) Ask me another question.
MILLA
Okay, Bloot the Wise, what do we do about the stranger?
BOCK
(Using skull) Who asks Bloot this?
MILLA
It is I, Milla, your friend.
HARF
And Harf!
BOCK
(Using skull) I remember you, Milla. I know the answer to your question. But you don’t want to hear it.
MILLA
Yes, I do.
HARF
Me, too!
BOCK
(Using skull) Shut up! Just Milla. Ask your question again.
MILLA
What do we do about the stranger?
BOCK
(Using skull) Make war on him with spears and stones.
(BOCK sets skull down and crosses arms, looking self- satisfied. HARF quickly grabs skull and uses it as BOCK did)
HARF
(Using skull, as BOCK did, trying to sound like Bloot) Wait! I have changed my mind! Do not hurt the stranger, but share your food with him and make him your friend. Show him where the sunflowers are, and the walnuts, and the far away stream full of silver fish, and…
(BOCK grabs for skull and they wrestle for it, until very loud and close howling shocks them out of it)
MILLA
Wolves! Wolves!
(Everyone grabs spears. Lights out.)